A litany of my quirky forms of sabotage

April 26, 2007 at 8:35 pm | Posted in Miscellania | 1 Comment

Yesterday was a bust. Why? I “checked out” at the latter part of the day. Let me elaborate: I’m the type of person that tends to find problems when there are none, worries when there is little or nothing to worry about and obsess about seemingly trivial issues. How I react to these perceived problems of mine varies–but I have names for a variety of my harmful techniques that I utilise when these situations occur.

  • Purging–This is when I take out the good with the bad in a misguided attempt to “start fresh.” For example, suppose I buy 2 litres of ice-cream and I have 2 scoops instead of one and subsequently feel guilty. I’ll come up with the idea that I should only eat “healthy” and as such, throw out all types of junk food in the house, even ones that I haven’t overindulged in. Thus I am destroying everything, kind of like that “Crusader” Esper in FFVI –and it only serves to depress me later. Thankfully, I seem to have finally learnt from past experience that purging is not effective.
  • Obsession-less obsessions–A.k.a worry-less worries–when I worry and obsess because there is nothing tangible or theoretical that I know of to worry or obsess about. It’s kind of like a semi-conscious self-sabotage.  I start thinking: “this day is progressing too smoothly, I’m getting my work done too quickly, I’m being too productive, I’m having too much fun, there has to be a problem for me to consider and even if there isn’t, I should worry anyway. I think there’s a part of me that wants to punish myself when I feel I’m doing well, for reasons that are somewhat unfathomable to me.
  • Checking out–This, as I explained, just happened to me yesterday. I’ll give you the context–I was concerned I was overexercising and was losing too much weight, so I didn’t exercise and started to feel lousy. Past around 5:00, I started to “check out”–not really focusing on anything and just wanting the day to end as quickly as possible so I could get a fresh start tomorrow. The main problem with this is that it becomes incredibly boring and tedious to “wait the rest of the day” out. I have got to stop doing this–it’s very unproductive and is a total waste. And yet I’ve been doing this at least once a week. So hopefully I won’t let this happen again.

That’s the gist of it–this actually isn’t a comprehensive list. That being said, I have made this list to challenge myself to do better in the future and not let these seemingly nonsensical vices get the better of me. Oh, and about that alphabetical analysis of countries idea I keep bringing up–I’m not bothering with it–there are nearly 200 countries in the world and it can take a lifetime just to study the first on the list, Afghanistan.

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  1. Very intersting blog. I wish you had a therapist you can discuss all that with. It would be so helpful, I’m convinced. (now that I’m seeing one myself, I know how great it is to connect with someone like that).
    I’m glad you’re “learning” what NOT to do – on your own, though.
    It sounds like you’re making progress, and thats always a good thing.


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